The Judge

Thinking this morning about some of the people I love/have loved, I realize I’m drawn to narcissists. I wondered why; the streak of selfish behavior should put me right off. But the narcissist never judges you. Mostly because they are only vaguely aware of you. But it is very freeing to not be judged. You can make mistakes, say dumb stuff, forget things and never get shamed for it.

I think i will try to find people in my future who also do not judge, but because they accept; not just the attention, not just the company but becase they accept the complete person I am. We are all package deals without substitutions. I’ve had more than one relationship fall apart when the other persn wanted to chinese menu me.

I think we love people more because the faults are those we can live with than the fine qualities people have. Everyone has fine qualities, but not eveyone has faults I can live with. Apparently I’ll take nacissism over judging. But Narcissism has a slow poisonus effect; eventually you realize the person will keep taking as much you give wihtut feeling much need to return it, this turns into slow resentment and eventually hte,a nd may lead you t ehavior that makes you turn that hate on yourself as well.

So along wihth the judge, who I remove from my life, goes the self-centered. A dear freind of mine once peeled all the people from his life while dimished joy rather than increased it. Perhaps I shall follow his lead. It will be painful, but I’m not Mother Teresa. Im just trying to live my own life.